I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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