I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
