I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
