it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
