we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
