He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
