even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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