I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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