you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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