Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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