I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
