this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
accomplished twins. life is a go
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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