My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
