I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
