It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
