Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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