dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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