From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
