Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
