There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
