i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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