no you cant smoke seaweed
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
