am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
