He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
