dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
