I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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