Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
