Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
