I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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