even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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