Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
