is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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