seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
