Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was born a porn star she said
She just used a chaser for red wine.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
