Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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