Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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