I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
