Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Randomize
