it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
