Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
