Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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