Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
