I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
