85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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