Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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