Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
