Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
