i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
