I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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