So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
