Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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