I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
