rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
