Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
