I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
