are you so shy because you have an std?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
