Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
