So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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