oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
