can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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